Updated: Sep 28, 2022
Western Women Could Learn a Few Things
Why is it that men seem so attracted to Thai women? Sure, they're beautiful, but there are beautiful women everywhere. There must be something more. When you pose a question like this, some people will react by going straight for the stereotypical reason of sex and sex tourism. But this is unfair and reductive. There a lot of women in Thailand besides prostitutes, bar girls and massage girls. For the record, not every woman who works in a bar can be paid for sex and not every woman who works in a massage “salon” will give a “happy ending”. Let’s cover off the sex tourism thing straight up. A man could “buy” sex at home without going to Thailand. It’s not like prostitution only happens in Thailand, so we can discount simply sex tourism as a reason for the attractiveness of Thai women.
To gain some insight, let’s juxtapose women in Australia (calling them typically western regardless their specific heritage) and Thai women. I’ve had relationships with women in Australia and done my fair share of dating both western women and Thai women, so have first-hand experience. I’ve also done a lot of research talking with men and women, and observed… a lot.
In Australia I’ve heard countless women complain they can’t find a nice man. But they’re not nice to men. They’re generally rude, somewhat pretentious, and seem to think more highly of themselves than they have a reason to. They seem to project all their bad experiences onto a new man, or don’t give a man a chance, they play games, have no respect for men, pretend they're not interested, are afraid of appearing weak or truly feminine. The list goes on. I’ve heard, seen and experienced them all, and more. Of course, while I’ve heard women complaining about men, I’ve also heard men complaining about women. It does go both ways, but
Even if women meet a “nice guy”, they never want to give him a nice guy a chance. They're the ones who want the "bright shiny thing". They go for the loudmouth, egotistical, arrogant dickhead, who is clearly going to use them for another “notch on his belt”, then wonder why they can’t find a nice guy. I’m kind of over hearing how every woman’s ex is a narcissist. Let’s put some common sense to this: not every man can be a narcissist, so if you choose to go out with one, maybe it’s your choices that need to be examined. And for the record, I’ve known some very narcissistic women too, don’t worry.
Seems the only judgement that anyone ever listens to is from women about men and it’s either “men are bastards” or “there are no nice guys around”. From experience I can tell you that the same can be true for women and I’m a pretty well adjusted guy without a lot of baggage. Women can be bitches just as men can be bastards. In fact, women have the potential to be worse, colder, nastier, and far more mercenary sometimes.
I realise there will be some who deride me for daring to state a man’s opinion and seeming to judge women, but I can’t help my observations. It quite simply can’t all be the fault of men, as so many women would have us believe.
The dating world doesn’t see men and women being on an even playing field, especially for more mature people. Men do not have the control. Women do. There is always some younger guy chasing older women to get another notch on his belt and it seems mature women fall for it to bolster their self-esteem and insecurities. Sure, men want younger women too, but they aren’t the ones in control. So mature men miss out again to the younger, better-looking guy. And they say men are superficial. Women always want to talk about how hard it is and about the rejection they experience. They really have no idea what men go through. Men have been experiencing rejection from the day they were first attracted to a girl at school.
So, where are all the nice guys? The ones women ignore, preferring to invest their time in the arrogant egoistical, loudmouth dickheads (ladies, that isn’t an “alpha male”, that’s a moron). Well, nice guys are out there. But in life, it seems that people want to focus on symptoms rather than look at the root cause of problems. If women think there are no more nice guys out there, maybe they should look at themselves and their behaviour as a reason why it seems that way. A true nice guy has been so beaten up by the dating game that he reaches a point where he just can’t be bothered; has run out of energy for the game; is over putting his arse and ego on the line for the amusement of women; or has become so jaded that he’s decided to use women for his own amusement as women seem to do with men (becoming not such a nice guy). Of course, men may have their issues, I’ll happily admit that. I speak with enough men, (sometimes wanting to slap them around the head) so know all too well that they’re flawed too. However, women aren’t the perfect creatures they make out to be. There does come a point and an age when a man has a right to just run out of tolerance for all the game-playing. A time where the disrespect and inconsideration build up and he just can’t be bothered. I’ll admit to having had thoughts like these. Unfortunately, I’m a hopeless romantic.
As much as it may sound like it, this is not a beat up of women – it’s just the facts of how the dating game tends to play out for mature folks. Add to that the disconnectedness that comes from this new world of online dating; date after date encountering a checklist mentality and the constant expectations that there are “red flags” to uncover. Sometimes going on a date can feel more like a police interview than a romantic encounter. Sometimes I’ve been waiting for the thumb screws to make an appearance.
I know that all this is from a man’s perspective, but it doesn’t make it any less valid. What I’ve said is simply the experiences of many, many men that I speak with as well as my own. It may not all be “true”, but the opinions and feelings of men are no less valid than those of women who think all men are bastards and there are no more nice guys out there. Funny, I’ve met a lot of “man-hating women”, but can’t say I’ve met “woman-hating men”.
Now that I’ve well and truly framed one side, let’s examine the other side of the equation we started with: Thai women. Having spent a significant amount of time in Thailand, I’m left thinking that… western women could learn a lot from Thai women. Oh, I can hear the haters already. However, bear with me. I don’t mean “learn a lot” in the stereotypical way people instantly think about Thai women. As I’ve said, Thai women aren’t all sex workers. Most are just normal women going about their life. However, they do have a different attitude to western women. It may also surprise many people that there are an awful lot of people, including men, who don’t go to Thailand to find sex.
What is it that Thai women do that differently? They do nothing that western women do. Nothing. At the route of it is that Thai people live “now”. They don’t allow the past to affect “now”, they don’t allow future worries to affect “now”. Therefore the past isn’t projected onto someone new and neither are worries about the future. Thai women make a man feel like a king, and all she asks for is to be treated like his queen. That’s not to say in a sexist way. For the record, your average Thai woman isn’t some downtrodden second-class citizen. In no workplace I’ve seen (leaving the sex industry out of it) have I witnessed women being treated as less than men. In reality, even the sex workers aren’t downtrodden – they have choices and are in control. What thai people do do is acknowledge that men and women are different and they embrace those differences. In fact the people who treat Thai women the worst, are tourists.
People will say that Thai women are after money, to be rescued, whatever. Don’t we all have our own wants from a relationship? Even if this is what a Thai woman is after (which is true for some, but definitely not all) provided both sides are getting what they want, is that any different to a relationship anywhere? No. Besides, I’ve seen plenty of online dating profiles of western women and one of their big things is a man must be “financially secure”; or she likes to be “spoilt”; even straight out telling me that they expect to have their expenses paid for by a “partner”. I’ve dated enough women from different backgrounds to know that many cultures think men should be able to pay for everything. How is this different from some Thai women?
Of the “normal” mixed couples I’ve seen and spoken with, they all seem very happy. I’m not talking about the short-term “relationships” tourists have – a guy can find a girl easily for a week or two and you can tell the girl is just there to be “company”. I’m talking about the couples that are obviously in long-term, stable relationships or seriously dating. Sure, there may be a bit of an age gap, but if they're both getting what they want and don’t have to violate their own standards, values and morals, does it matter? Really?
What is it specifically, then, that Thai women do that is so different? How does she make a man feel like her king?
What we have lost in the west are the niceties of being men and women. Even though western women say they want to be “feminine” and treated like a lady, they don’t carry that feminine energy into interactions with men. A man is left to have to mind read where the line is and if he gets it wrong a woman assumes some kind of insult. They want to be strong, tough, in control. They seem to think that to be perceived as softer or “weaker” is wrong. They want to wear the pants. These days a man can’t be chivalrous or treat a woman what he considers “nice” without risking her going off on some misplaced feminist rant. He has to walk on eggshells. With a Thai lady, go for it. They respect and appreciate being treated like the lady of the relationship. Be as nice as you like to a Thai lady and it will never go unappreciated.
Thai women dote on their man. It is their “job” to look after him. In the west, women used to have a similar attitude, perhaps not to the same extent that Thai women do, but in the west relationships used to last. Long-term meant long-term, not a few months. Again, people are so concerned with applying a sexist meaning to things like this. But men have their responsibilities in terms of the way they treat women too. Men don’t get to take advantage and to have respect. They get to appreciate and demonstrate they do. After all, doing nice things for each other makes us feel good, especially if it’s someone we care about.
I had a very eye-opening lesson in Thai culture when I was out one evening with a Thai lady. We were at a bar owned by a friend of hers. I was visibly hot so he presented a disposable flannel in a packet. I went to take it from him and he pulled it back in horror. He said to me, “No, you not do, that her job”. (no insult meant with “her”, remember the language barrier) She took the packet, opened it and proceeded to wipe my face. OK, right now there are western women thinking WTF and men with their jaw on the ground. Do you think for one moment however that she thought it was any kind of chore? Or that it meant that I in any way thought she was less than me? No. Do you think it increased my feelings towards her and I reciprocated respect with respect, and did things for her also? Of course. Both sides just being happy in being of service to the other. Kind of how a relationship is supposed to work.
Thai people in general don’t over-think things. Things just mean what they mean, nothing more. No one is worrying about how something may look or how it will be interpreted. No one is looking for some hidden agenda. They live in the moment.
When a Thai lady is interested in you, whether you’re already together or it’s across a room, you know. No games. No playing coy. There is some feminine reservedness, but her face says it all. She hides nothing. You know she likes you. The smile is as addictive as any drug could be.
There is no wonder that men go to Thailand and fall in “love” the first night they go out (something I was warned to be careful of on my first trip). None of the things I’d come to expect from women back home in Australia were present in Thailand and western men just aren’t prepared for being treated so… nicely and attentively.
Thai ladies don’t have all the BS façade I’m used to in Australia. No egos, no drama, no baggage, no games. In a way, the language difference makes it better. While most Thai women have passable English and some have very conversational English, any hang-ups you may have you can’t communicate well enough to get an answer that may upset you. And any issues they may have, they too have to suck up, even if they cared. The level of conversation required to get to hang-ups and personal issues is more difficult to reach therefore the less you are able to have these conversations. You’re forced to let those hang-ups go and just live… “now”. No dissecting of pasts. No endless questioning. Now!!! That is how Thai people live, unburdened by the stress of the past or anxiety about the future. Not that a Thai lady gives a damn about your history. Some of theirs may bother a western man though, so you don’t really want to know. Live “Now”.
Thai people are just so damn nice, respectful, accepting and polite – quite an attractive mix in a woman when you’re trying to get to know her. Smile at even the most beautiful Thai woman and she’ll smile back. Western men can misread this because we’re not used to it and think it means more than it does. If you go up and say hello, a Thai woman will be polite and have a brief conversation. Sure, she can shut you down if she’s not interested, but if you get upset by it it’s only because you didn’t see the signs and wanted to be stupid and embarrass yourself. No woman anywhere need put up with “stupid”, so there could well come a time she’s not so polite and turns her back on you. But she won’t be any ruder than that, and frankly, in that situation the guy asked for at least that much. This is so much better than Australian women, for example, where even if a woman is interested in you, you may get a nose in the air or some hard look back. Maybe even blown off just for the fun of it. Don’t even get me started on going up to a woman if she’s with friends. That’s just emotional suicide for a man in Australia.
In Australia, while there are many ways in society that men and women are equal, we’ve also given away the niceties of the differences. Women, especially mature women, think they have to be hard arses. They then wonder where the nice guys are. Well, I can tell you where they all should be: in Thailand finding a nice Thai lady. Someone who truly appreciates a nice guy.
There is an old saying that “a man wants your respect more than he wants your love”. A man will love a woman that respects him. It is truly intoxicating being around women who embrace being feminine and actually have respect for a man. Not just in the way they act or dress, but in what they believe in their heart.
While there is a tendency for men who travel to Thailand to be judged, with people making assumptions as to why he is travelling there, having experienced the lure of Thai women myself, a man is completely justified. Not for the purpose of using women for his pleasure but if he is truly after love. I have never been to Thailand with the sole purpose of finding women. I go there because I love the country and the people. Coming from Australia, however, interactions with Thai women at first came as a complete shock. They’re… nice, and take you as they find you. No assumptions. No expectations. Just you. No hang-ups. No baggage. Not expecting the worst. Just an encounter with a real person. The complete opposite of what I expect from women in Australia.
Perhaps instead of placing all the responsibility for not being able to find a nice man squarely on the feet of men, women could look a little closer to home and assess their role in the way men behave. They could choose to be part of the solution. Sure, there are some arse hole men out there. Some women too. Nice guys, however, don’t stay nice guys or hang around if they're not treated the way they want to be treated. For me personally I’m kind of tired of having to pay for the sins of a woman’s past men. Obviously the more a man gets treated poorly by women the more he is going to care less about them and more about what he can get.
It’s just a shame that Thailand is tainted with the image of sex tourism. Genuine nice guys are reluctant to travel there for risk of being labelled as some kind of deviant. I know when I tell peope where I go I expect they're making assumptions as to why I went there. Yet if more men knew the real Thailand and real Thai women, there wouldn’t be a nice guy left in the western world. They would all be in Thailand finding a woman worthy of being treated like his queen and enjoying the reciprocity of being her king.